Dear Dr. Wes & John: In your July 11 column, the writer said her friend “doesn’t get along with her parents because she is gay. Her parents don’t accept her for who she is.” You note “a potential source of family conflict may be your friend’s sexual identity ...” but then say the family is unhappy about the friend’s choice of “romantic partners.” You took the issue of identity, which goes beyond choice of romantic partner, and changed it to an issue of parents not liking their child’s dates, a common but much less hurtful experience. There was a vague suggestion that maybe this person was too young or confused to know whether she was gay, but maybe just had same-sex romantic partners.

Wes: This is a fine point but tough to condense into a 900-word column. It wasn’t my intention to minimize the seriousness of a teen’s struggle with sexual identity, but to discuss it in less conceptual and more behavioral terms. It’s usually best to focus on what a teenager is doing rather than on her motivations, feelings, ideas or viewpoints. Like all people, kids have a right to their beliefs and values. For example, many teens argue that marijuana is harmless and should be legalized. Most parents disagree. The parent has a right to prohibit marijuana use, but they can’t demand that the teen like it and agree with them. Rather than argue over what is “right and good,” it’s better to discuss what behavior is going to be tolerated while the teen is living in the home.

Sexuality is far more personal and value-laden, making it harder to demand compliance in behavior or thought from a teen. We all agree that sexuality is at its core a good thing. Our species would be in a lot of trouble if it weren’t. But that’s about all we can agree upon. For example, most people engage in sex before marriage, yet there is often bitter debate as to whether it should be condoned, tolerated or embraced — especially for teens. When homosexuality is thrown into the ring, the debate becomes even hotter. Arguing about sexual values only increases mutual contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling, as we saw in that letter. While issues of pregnancy, disease, exploitation and sexual ethics must be discussed, other issues are nearly irreconcilable. Among them is the question of who one chooses to love, especially when the family sees this as a poor choice. If there is any debate at all, it is best centered on who one is allowed to spend time with, rather than the wisdom of one’s love for that person or their core sexual identity. In some families, attempting to address teen homosexuality at this level can set off a nuclear explosion leading to banishment, violence or even suicide.

The idea of teens being too young or too confused to know whether they are gay is controversial. It’s unpopular in the teen community to suggest that anyone is ever too young or confused to know anything. Instead, it’s far better to look at the research and to realize that the entire point of adolescence is to come to an understanding of one’s self, and as a part of that to organize one’s sexuality. A certain amount of general identity confusion is expected in that process and should be embraced as the fuel for seeking answers to the inevitable questions life presents. No one is “finished” at 16 — a point we all come to realize at about 23.

John: You suggest the friend’s source of anxiety was her parents’ disapproval of her romantic partners. Whether the kids are gay or not, parents have the right to determine what kind (if any) relationships their children may have as minors. After children leave the house they have a bit more freedom, but parents usually maintain a degree of economic power they can use to coerce their children. I would maintain that parents have the right to forbid whatever action they find offensive while the child is still a minor, including same-sex relationships, speaking out against the parents’ views on homosexuality, etc.

However, the original letter suggests that the parents tried to take this further. The phrases that “her parents don’t accept her for who she is” and that she “is just (in therapy) because she has to be” imply that the parents are trying to reverse the girl’s sexual orientation through therapy. That is yet another controversial issue. I believe that sexual orientation can sometimes be changed through therapy, but there are plenty who say this is hogwash. Just as women in crisis pregnancies may not seek advice from those who do not share their feelings on abortion, this girl would not want to talk to a therapist who shares her parents’ views on homosexuality. The parents, in turn, may become angry that the girl is wasting their money and not trying to improve herself, creating another issue of contention because the root issue (the girl’s sexual identity) has been sidelined.

At 16, it’s safe to say one’s identity is set firmly in Jell-O. My grandparents have remained interested in each other for 50 years, while middle-schoolers can find a new crush every week. I would suggest the girl be honest and cooperative with the therapist for two reasons. First, she may discover that she is not really gay. Second, if the girl does not resist therapy, complies with her parent’s rules and tries to confront her cutting and eating disorders, these red-herring issues will cease to distract and the parents will be forced to answer the critical issue: Is it all right for their child to be privately gay?

Even if she does not agree with her parents, the girl will be better off with a frank understanding of their policies than a series of futile skirmishes.

"I was in Colorado Springs on my way to the Denver Gem and Mineral Show. I woke up in the morning and turned on the TV. The first plane had already hit and I actually saw the second plane hit the building, and I’ll never forget it. I just couldn’t believe it was happening. It was very traumatic."

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