"Throughout your childhood, certain insults are more popular than others," said Connor, a junior at Burlington High School. "And in middle school, there's so much anti-gay sentiment. It's everywhere."

These words were particularly tough for Connor to hear because it was in middle school that Connor began to think he was gay, he said. The more he thought about this possibility -- and Connor said he spent a good part of middle school alone in his thoughts, wondering about his sexuality -- the clearer it seemed. He sometimes felt like he was living in a black-and-white silent movie, thinking about his sexuality, Connor said.

"In seventh grade, mostly I was just quiet, keeping it to myself," Connor said. "In eighth grade, I accepted that I was gay. But I didn't accept that it was OK. I was trying to be someone else -- to cover up, since I wasn't comfortable." If he didn't tell anyone, Connor thought, "maybe this will just go away."

Connor's experience of considering whether he's gay and recognizing he is, touches on themes of adolescence: Forging an identity; fitting in with the crowd; dating; communicating with family.

For young people who come out, "there's a lot of fear and a lot of isolation and a lot of second-guessing themselves," said Jerman, 25, who is a lesbian, "but the potential of being out, to your friends or the entire state, is this amazing sense of affirmation and being yourself. And the freedom that comes with being yourself."

Connor, whose 17th birthday is Friday, is a focused and thoughtful teenager whose gaze never waivers in conversation. He's the youngest of four children who grew up in the New North End. His three older siblings are all at college, leaving Connor alone at home with his parents, who both work at IBM.

He's a straight-A student at Burlington High School, with a slate of AP classes. The "dream schools" he's thinking about attending include Oberlin, Wesleyan and Stanford. If you want to schedule time with Connor, be prepared to get squeezed in to the life of a highly booked high school kid: His extra-curricular activities range from serving on Burlington's Conservation Board to being a member of BHS student council and the school's Pride Alliance.

Connor remembers the night, Dec. 6, 2004, when he told his parents he was gay. He had been writing in his journal about when and how to tell them, and had decided he'd wait till after Christmas. But that night in early December, almost out of the blue, "I just went for it," Connor said.

His sister, Katie, was still living at home, and was in the living room with their parents. Connor gave her a look, and she knew what was up, he said. She left the room; Connor had already told her.

He asked his parents to sit down because he wanted to talk to them. His mother, who had raised three teenagers ahead of Connor, decided not to come to any conclusions about what he might have in mind. "I never know what to expect when they say, 'I want to talk to you,' " she said. Connor said his father wondered if he was going to talk to them about drugs.

For Connor's parents, the foremost concern was making sure their son understood they loved and supported him as always, Maureen McFadden said. "Both Jim and I were pretty clear that it didn't change anything," she said.

Jim McFadden, 49, recalls his relief that Connor wasn't sick. "We've all said in these words or similar words: 'He's still the same Connor we know and love, an exceptional kid.' "

"It's troubling that people would make a judgment on Connor," his mother said, "without getting to know him, and seeing all that he has to offer."

Katie, a college freshman in North Carolina, said in an e-mail that "our household seemed to be quite quiet," after Connor came out to their parents. "Coming from a family of six," she wrote, "it was quite a strange feeling." But the family began to talk about Connor's announcement, she said.

"The conversations that I had with my mom and other siblings were all based around fear," Katie wrote. "Fear of Connor having to live a very hard life, and sadness knowing that he might have to deal with from some very horrible people in this world."

She and Connor, as always, have a "very strong relationship." She asked him every question she could think of when he came out to her; by the end of the conversation, they were back to talking about school and everyday life, "just like always."

In the years since Connor recognized he was gay -- "you just know," he said -- he has come to accept it, he said. Sometimes, he finds himself thinking about a future wife and kids. "Then I remember, 'Oh no, I'm not going to have that.'"

But he hasn't been teased at school or struggled in other ways with being gay, Connor said. Almost everyone he's told has been accepting, and it's a strong and comfortable feeling for him to be himself, Connor said.

His circle of friends at school know he's gay, and so do some of his teachers, Connor said. He's written about it in papers he has turned in. On weekends, Connor hangs out at Outright Vermont and has made friends there.

"Coming out has made all the difference," Connor said by e-mail. "At first, I didn't see any immediate changes, but now nearly a year has passed, and my mind-set and life are completely revamped. I was so scared because I wouldn't be in control of the changes that would come with coming out, but I would never go back on my decision to disclose my sexuality. The feeling was exhilarating and scared me to death, but all the while I loved it because I knew that no matter what hate was thrown at me, I would never have to go back to living that lie I lived for too many years. It was freedom, it was relief, and it made me the happiest person in the world."

This is cache, read story here